When I look back over my career, I can see the one thing that I lacked most was confidence, and in today’s fragmented coaching world, I was both amazed and happy to find the term “confidence coach.”
Or maybe it’s just because I haven’t paid attention to all of the coaching disciplines that have emerged as the industry has developed.
The coaching world is growing in leaps and bounds, which is both a good and bad thing — there are many fine coaches out there in all walks of life and business, but there are many who are now turning to the “coach the coach” model because it is far easier to convince people that coaching is a lucrative industry and one that almost anyone can get into rather than teach people directly.
There is nothing wrong with this approach, of course, as long as there is some substance behind the teaching aspect.
And if we look at the issue of confidence, then there is no doubt in my mind that most entrepreneurs, businesspeople, salespeople, and just people in general, lack this most critical component in life.
If you look at the explanation of confidence from uber coach Tony Robbins, you will see that he talks about confidence as not something you have…but something you create.
He is definitely onto something here!
But I also feel that many people miss the fact that we are born with more than enough confidence to lead a fulfilling and rewarding life, whether that involves business or not.
Talking from my own experiences, I know that confidence was severely lacking throughout my career and I’m not saying that I have mastered it now, some forty years later…but I do have a much better handle on it than I’ve ever had before.
But what if you could become your very own confidence coach?
To do so you probably need to get out of your own way, because the chances are that you are blocking your own path to success…and effortless confidence.
Related: Business coaching: An entrepreneur’s guide to hiring and becoming a coach.
Removing Self-Doubt
Business coaching, life coaching, relationship coaching, fitness coaching…the list goes on, but what do each of them have in common?
The answer is people — they all need to deal with people and most people have to deal with their own self-doubt, which of course, reflects in their lack of overall confidence.
And self-doubt is just a bi-product of fear!
Fear is paralyzing and a better term for fear would be “concern,” as you must address the issue you are fearful of, but you must not give it too much attention — concern motivates action, rather than paralyzes it.
Fear is what I term a “root cause” of many issues — fear of taking action, fear of what people think about you…fear of letting go of past issues that play on your mind…and so on.
For me, my own self-doubt originated in my childhood and probably stemming from the divorce of my parents, which occurred when I was seven.
I’m sure I withdrew into myself and you have to remember that divorce was not common in the 1970s, so being a young child going through the process was vastly different from today.
And unlike today, there were no resources or distractions — I would have probably immersed myself into gaming if I had the opportunity to do so and whether that was a good or bad thing, wouldn’t have mattered as at least it would have been a distraction!
Fragmentation
Now let me talk about the issue of fragmentation in the coaching world; when you break down people’s lives into components that I talk about at the beginning of this section and this is where it can hinder, rather than help the individual, in my opinion.
By isolating components, you are not treating the person as a whole and losing the importance of interconnection and there is a danger of simply solving one aspect of life that is creating a blockage, rather than getting to the real cause.
Another way to look at this is if you compare traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) to Western medicine, you will notice one significant difference — TCM treats the persona and the body as a whole…it’s holistic and the approach to “curing” a disease or problem relies on treating the root cause, not just the symptom.
And the method of treatment is customized to the individual.
Western medicine, on the other hand, is symptom-focused and the resulting drugs are much more generic as opposed to the Easter counterpart.
It’s the same with coaching — there is a specific need to treat the person as a whole, rather than working on the symptoms of the issue in question and that’s precisely why I am so against the multi-fragmented approach to coaching
But I do like the idea that there is a recognition of the term “confidence” and there are specific people trying to address it, but I will add that addressing the issue, must be in context with the person as a whole.
And it must be dealt with in its “mother” term of fear.
For me, it all begins with building the right mindset and the ability to control fear, which removes self-doubt and builds the confidence that is already established firmly within us.
Related: Growth mindset: How to develop a powerful mind.
The Essence Of Confidence
Looking at one definition of confidence from Oxford Languages, it reads:
“The feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.”
But let’s go a little deeper and look beyond the definition and how it relates to you.
You have to be aware of your talents, strengths, skills, and even your weaknesses, which are part of your overall personal development, and the more attuned to yourself that you become, the more you will be able to build your self-esteem.
For me, the breakthrough came nearly forty years ago when I began to study martial arts.
As a shy schoolboy, I was frequently bullied and I desperately wanted to learn how to defend myself, but I had to deal with my grandfather, who along with my grandmother, raised me as my mother and father had divorced.
My grandfather had other ideas and they revolved around music, as he was a musician in the army and enrolled me in classical piano lessons from the age of 7!
Enter The Dragon
The Bruce Lee era was firmly established by the movie Enter The Dragon, released in 1973 and I know it was light years ago for many, but the Kung-Fu era was born and I was obsessed.
The idea of being able to defend me with lightning-fast kicks and punches, plus throw people around effortlessly was a turning point in my life — I wasn’t a violent person by any means, but I just wanted the knowledge and that say me enroll in a local Kyng Fu class and I never looked back.
It brought me “out of myself” and I soon had the confidence I lacked throughout my childhood and largely, it was because I was entering and winning Kung Fu tournaments.
This was the turning point and that newfound confidence was applied to everything.
And this is where you can take a leaf out of my book and you don’t have to take up Kung Fu…just find something that will take you out of your comfort zone and you will be helping to build a solid foundation for increased confidence.
Become Your Own Confidence Coach
There are huge benefits to hiring a coach and being one myself, I would urge everyone to find a coach to help you improve and get you from where you are today, to where you need to be…but, you must not become dependent on a coach and I would also urge you to start the process yourself first.
Here are some tips:
1. Re-Connect With Your Childhood
You were born with all of the components required to succeed in life — I have given this opinion so many times in my life and on this and other blogs.
The reason I say this is because as a child, you demonstrated supreme confidence, had a fearless attitude, were extremely creative, imaginative and you operated on pure instinct.
No parent taught a child to cry, nobody taught you how to crawl or walk and nobody taught you instinct.
I loved studying psychology at college and I was fascinated by the great debate of whether we are born with knowledge (nature) or whether everything was learned (nurture).
The conclusion, of course, is both…but what percentages do we apply?
Nobody truly knows and I definitely subscribe to the theory that the environment that we are raised in hugely influences us, but I also marvel at how children operate on instinct and will sometimes run away from people they don’t feel comfortable about and also never leave the side of complete strangers that they do!
Also, I watched intently as each of my own children would try any tactic to get that candy bar or ice cream cone before dinner and would be relentless in their pursuit!
Take some time to reconnect with your own childhood and try to think of the times where you felt on top of the world.
If you have young children, then pay attention to them as they will definitely teach you things…if you allow them to!
I was encouraged as a child to play, have fun, experiment, and not take life too seriously…until I was told to “grow up.”
This is where so many parents can shut down the confidence of their children and from being care-free, fearless, and confident, the children can become fearful, anxious, and withdrawn, in the extreme.
2. Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone
Do something bold…go on, I dare you!
It’s amazing what simple steps you can take to almost instantly boost your confidence:
- Take up a new sport
- Go skydiving
- Learn about Internet marketing and start your own blog
- Write a book
- Learn a musical instrument
- Do volunteer work
- Start a business
- Get a new job
- Ask for promotion
- Have a radical change of career
- Etc
The list is endless if you want it to be and remember…just taking the step to do something new and bold will produce an immediate confidence boost in most cases.
3. Stop Caring
No, I don’t mean about everything, just mainly about what people say and feel about you.
Most of us are way too concerned about what people think of them and this is where you must learn to let go…just as I did, but in my case, it took me around forty years, before I developed the confidence to let go and start really living my life.
I started this blog to use my personal life and entrepreneurial journey to help and inspire yours and I really hope it doesn’t take you as long as it did me to get to the same realization point.
I am not a positive or negative person, in the sense that most people believe — I am a realist.
“Realism” allows me to embrace both the positive and negative of any situation and then move forward…but on the positive side.
Too many people, in my opinion, focus too much on the positive aspects of everything, ignoring the negative, and then when hit by the negative, they go to pieces.
It’s a fine line to balance, but think of a battery — it will not function without both poles!
I’ve found that most people who criticize you, and especially behind your back, are simply jealous — I remember when I started my first blog many years ago and people started to make bad comments.
It really affected me and I was tempted to quit…just the same as when I made my first videos.
But then I asked the question — how many blog posts have those people written and how many videos have they produced?
The answer was of course none, and that made me realize something — it no longer mattered what anyone thought and the people who do put themselves on the line each and every day, for various reasons are the first ones to congratulate and help you.
Related: Growth mindset: How to develop a powerful mind.
Conclusion
Take the 3 simple steps to become your own confidence coach and then look to work with the right coach to take you from where you are to where you want to be.
Coaching is an essential part of life today, and I believe everyone should have one — there are many ways to work with coaches and the right ones will customize their services to you, no matter what your budget.
Learn to get out of your own way to accelerate your path to success and gain effortless confidence — the chances are that you are blocking your own path.
Understand that you must be a realist, embracing both the positive and negative elements of life and then focus on the positive.
Do something bold — get out of your comfort zone and finally, stop caring about what others think of you as it’s really none of your business.
Just as it is none of their business what you think of them!
Neil Franklin
Confidence Coach Personal Development Self Belief
Last modified: July 13, 2021
